


In My Blood

by writersstudy



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band), ONF (Band), Seven O'Clock (Band), 믹스나인 | MIXNINE (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Chan and some of the Unit guys are also mentioned briefly, Graphic Violence, I apologize in advance for making the Mixnine kids into such awful people, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Platonic Donghun/Jun, Platonic Donghun/Sehyoon, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Destructive Behavior, Trauma, Trigger warnings up the wazoo, breakdowns, graphic rape scene, please read at your own discretion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 10:01:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14353188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writersstudy/pseuds/writersstudy
Summary: Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothingI'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me somethingI could take to ease my mind slowlyJust have a drink and you'll feel betterJust take her home and you'll feel betterKeep telling me that it gets betterDoes it ever?[In My Blood - Shawn Mendes]





	In My Blood

**Author's Note:**

> **DO NOT KEEP SCROLLING WITHOUT READING THIS**
> 
> This story contains one (1) **very graphic rape scene** , which includes the drugging of one character. If this will trigger you, please do not read this story. If you would like to keep reading (which is at your own discretion, please do not blame me), the rape scene is the first flashback, which is marked in italics and **not** blockquoted.

“All right, class dismissed. Donghun-ssi, a word please?” Donghun blinked as he was pulled out of his nap by the noise of students moving around him. He stretched and cracked his back as he stood up and slowly made his way to the front of the room. The professor waited until the last student had left before speaking.

“You’re a very bright student, Donghun-ssi, and an incredible singer, but I’m concerned about your performance this semester,” the woman started, “you haven’t submitted the last four performance recordings and if you don’t get at least a ninety on the next one, you’ll fail the class. Now, I’m aware that you went through a situation of some sort earlier in the semester which is obviously still affecting you, so I’m going to give you a handicap. I’ve asked another student to work with you and make sure you actually get this assignment in and done on time. You’ll be receiving his feedback and I’m going to require that you meet at least twice before the review is due in two weeks. If you don’t, then you won’t get a passing grade on the assignment. Just be grateful that participation doesn’t count for my class. You may go.” Donghun kept his head down as he exited the classroom. Things had been...hard since that night at the beginning of the semester. He had lost everyone, including himself. Donghun knew he was spiraling, but there was nothing he could do to stop himself. Maybe this partnership would be a good thing.

“Donghun hyung!” He turned and saw one of his classmates rushing toward him.

“I’m Park Junhee,” the boy said as he came to a stop in front of him, “Professor Jang asked me to help you with your final assignment.” Donghun sighed and started walking again, leaving Junhee to catch up to him.

“Ground rules,” he said gruffly, “we aren’t friends. What I do is none of your business and if you try to take some sort of moral high ground, I’ll ask the professor for a different babysitter. Don’t contact me about anything other than this assignment. We’re not going to meet up more than necessary and this counts as one of those times. I’m going to sing Society by Eddie Vedder. I’m not giving you my phone number, so just contact me through my school email. I’ll see you in two weeks.” With that, he turned a corner, leaving Junhee behind him, confused. He nearly groaned when he heard the younger boy running after him.

“Donghun hyung, hold on!” He panted as he ran to catch up, “I don’t care about whatever happened, it’s none of my business, but you’re not gonna blow me off.” Donghun sighed and whirled around.

“Junhee-ssi,” he said, gritting his teeth, “it is Friday, I’m done with class, and I want to go home. If I give you my number, will you leave me alone until at least Tuesday?” Junhee nodded quickly and Donghun passed his phone over with a sigh. The younger put his number in and called his own phone to make sure he could save Donghun’s as well. The senior snatched his phone back and shoved it in his pocket before storming off. This time, Junhee let him go.

Donghun spent the weekend dreading Tuesday. He had at least taken the steps to print out the lyrics and learn the song, but every time he opened his mouth to sing, he choked up. It would trigger flashbacks to that night and Donghun would spend the next few hours getting drunk to get over it.

It didn’t help that he had seen him at a party over the weekend. Who did he think he was, ruining Donghun’s life and moving on with his own like nothing happened? The older man was too tired to do anything though, so he just poured himself another drink. He woke up the next morning in the bed of someone he barely remembered the name of and hurried out before the other woke up. Donghun was glad that he at least made it home before throwing up.

Monday night wasn’t much better. None of them were there, but Donghun had seen his ex-best friend, the one they’d taken from him, and it had triggered an entirely different wave of panic. That was the night that he’d gone to the bar and the bartender had to call someone to get him.

“This is a bit earlier than I expected to see you,” Junhee grumbled as he helped Donghun into his car, “please don’t throw up.” Donghun just groaned and slumped over. He didn’t really care where Junhee was taking him. When the car stopped fifteen minutes later, the younger pulled him out and inside a small townhouse. Donghun soon found himself in a tiny bathroom with a firm order to stay put. Whatever. It wasn’t like he planned on going anywhere anyway.

When Donghun woke up the next morning, it was to Junhee loudly banging on the bathroom door. The senior groaned and leaned over the toilet bowl to throw up.  
“Donghun hyung, the door is locked,” Junhee called, “are you okay?” Donghun groaned again and called back an affirmative. He wiped his mouth with toilet paper and flushed the vomit before getting up to unlock the door. Junhee pushed his way in and gave Donghun a once-over.

“Are you gonna throw up again?” Donghun shook his head, “come on, then, I made breakfast.” Donghun followed the younger man out of the bathroom and down the hall to the kitchen.  
“Have you worked on the recording at all?” Junhee asked as he passed a plate toward Donghun. The elder shook his head.

“I can’t,” he mumbled.

“Sure, you can,” Junhee said as he shoved a piece of bacon in his mouth, “you’re the best singer in the class.” Donghun shook his head again.

“No, like...a trauma thing. I know the song but every time I open my mouth to even practice it, I feel like throwing up,” he explained, “it’s not like I chose to not do the other ones. I just...can’t.” Junhee hummed as he continued munching on his breakfast. Donghun couldn’t bring himself to eat. This was the most he had said about the incident since it had happened.

“What about humming?” the younger asked, watching Donghun carefully. The elder shrugged. He had never tried it.

“How did I end up with you last night?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

“The bartender called me and said I was the only number in your phone,” Junhee said quietly. Donghun stiffened and got to his feet.

“I should go,” he said. Junhee sighed.

“Try humming,” he said, “can we meet again on Friday?” Donghun nodded. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, wincing when he saw how low the battery was. He was heading toward the door when Junhee called out from behind him.

“I didn’t mean to let you fall asleep in the bathroom last night,” he said, “I wanted to let you throw up or whatever and ended up falling asleep myself.” Donghun just waved him off. He had woken up in worse situations.

Donghun barely made it to campus in time for his first class of the morning. He still smelled like booze and he wasn’t positive that he was entirely sober.

When Donghun got home, he just wanted to go to bed, but he couldn’t. He felt obligated to at least make an attempt to work with Junhee. It was weird to just hum aloud to his empty apartment, so he pulled up the song and left it on low volume. Closing his eyes, Donghun forced himself to relax and just focus on the music coming through his headphones. Before long, he found himself swaying and humming along. For the first time in a while, Donghun found himself smiling.

He tried it again the next night, just quietly humming along. It felt freeing to finally be able to interact with music again, even if it wasn’t how he wanted to. He’d get there eventually, he hoped.

“I tried what you said,” he said when he met with Junhee that Friday, “the humming.”

“And?” the younger prompted with a wide smile. Donghun nodded.

“I could do it,” he said, “not very loud, but I could get through the song a couple times.”

“That’s great!” Junhee praised, reaching to take the older man’s hand. Donghun moved both of his hands off the table. He liked Junhee, but he didn’t like being touched.

“Okay, so we have a week,” Junhee said, “do you want to try mouthing along? Or whispering the words? We can meet again on Tuesday and if you aren’t getting anywhere, I’ll talk to Professor Jang about giving you an extension.” Donghun could agree to that. He sighed at the thought of going to his last class of the day, which was the very class this assignment was for, and decided to skip. Junhee ran to the bathroom quickly and Donghun slipped some alcohol from a small flask into his own coffee while the younger was gone.

Donghun and Junhee were walking across campus toward the performing arts building when the elder heard his name being called. He turned and his blood ran cold when he saw who it was.  
“Go ahead, Junhee-yah,” he said, “I’ll catch up to you.” The younger seemed worried but he went on ahead, leaving Donghun to wait alone.

“What do you want?” he said coldly when the newcomer came to a stop in front of him.

“I just want to talk,” he said, raising his hands and keeping his distance from Donghun. The elder crossed his arms.

“Well?” he prompted when the other didn’t speak. The other man hooked his thumbs in his backpack straps and looked around before dropping his voice.

“I have the video,” he said quietly. Donghun immediately stiffened and turned to leave. The other man darted forward and grabbed his arm, causing Donghun to wrench himself away.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he snarled, “I did what you asked, I quit the program, so what the fuck else do you want, Hyojin?” The younger man bit his lip.

“I have the video,” he said again, “the only copy. It’s on an encrypted flash drive. If you wanted to report what happened or destroy it or whatever, it’s yours.” Donghun scoffed.

“‘What happened.’ Like you weren’t involved. You may not have physically done anything, but you were completely able to leave, to get help, to not fucking let them do that to me,” he spat.  
“And I feel horrible about it!” Hyojin said, “I didn’t know that that’s what they planned to do to you, I swear. I made an awful decision and I can’t fucking live with myself knowing that you’re still suffering.”

“Good! I hope you fucking can’t!” Donghun yelled, “you fucking deserve it. You ruined my fucking life. Are we done here?” Hyojin held out a black flash drive with a shaky hand. Donghun snatched it, spun on his heel, and stormed away.

The flash drive was torturing him. He knew he wasn’t going to show it to anyone. It had been too long and he knew that the video itself wouldn’t be enough to indict anyone. But he also couldn’t bring himself to destroy it. He almost had a vindictive desire to send it to Sehy - no, he didn’t matter anymore.

Somehow, Donghun found himself typing out a text to Junhee. He was about to press send when he caught himself. He couldn’t have Junhee finding out about this. With a sigh, Donghun tossed the flash drive in a drawer and got himself ready to go out.

Maybe he was feeling particularly self-destructive, but Donghun found himself going back to place it had happened. It was two in the morning, well past when anyone would be in the building, so he knew he wouldn’t run into any of them leaving.

The second he walked into the practice room, he felt his chest tightening. It looked just the same as it had that night. All of the lights were off except for the emergency light near the door, which cast an ominous shadow over the rest of the room.

As if he were in a trance, Donghun pulled out his phone and pulled up the song he had been practicing that night. He didn’t remember the dance anymore, but the words would never leave his head. They had left it playing when they had come in and it had haunted his nightmares ever since.

Somehow, Donghun managed to actually open his mouth and sing when the lyrics started. He hadn’t sung in months, so his voice was rough and trembling, but he was singing. It didn’t last long though as he started to remember the pain and degradation he’d gone through that night. He flinched with every imaginary hit that landed and before long he was slumped to the ground and sobbing.

Donghun left sometime around sunrise and stumbled home as the world slowly woke up around him. He threw up as soon as he got home, but it was mostly water and bile. The last thing he’d ingested was his spiked coffee when he’d met up with Junhee.

Speaking of Junhee, he knew that he had a half a dozen texts from the younger sitting in his phone, all wondering where he’d disappeared to during class. Donghun couldn’t bring himself to answer.  
Come Tuesday, he still hadn’t responded to Junhee. He’d let his phone go dead for the weekend and barely even remembered that they were supposed to meet for lunch.

“Are you drunk?” Junhee asked as he sat down across from Donghun. The elder shrugged then nodded. There was no use denying it. He hated it, hated the throwing up and the hangovers and lack of control, but anything was better than feeling.

“Did something happen over the weekend? You didn’t respond to my texts,” Junhee said worriedly.

“I thought we agreed that you’re not allowed to be nosy,” Donghun replied, voice hoarse.

“Well, fucking _excuse me_ for caring,” Junhee snapped before sighing, “did you try any of the stuff that we talked about?” Donghun shook his head. It was quiet for a while before he spoke.

“I sang,” he mumbled, “Saturday night. But I - every time I try again, I just start crying. I can’t do it, Jun.”

“Whatever happened to you,” Junhee said carefully, “it doesn’t seem like you ever got closure. You didn’t get to work through whatever trauma happened to you and it’s obviously manifesting in some unhealthy ways.” Donghun couldn’t really disagree with that. He knew it was bad for him, all the drinking and not eating and hating himself, but he didn’t know how else to make the pain go away.

“Do you think maybe you should...talk about it with someone?” Junhee offered, “not necessarily me, but just someone that will let you get it off your chest.” Donghun shook his head.

“I don’t want to think about it,” he said softly, “I just need to get through this week and graduate and then it should get better.” Junhee frowned but he didn’t say anything. He seemed to know that there was no changing Donghun’s mind.

“The song you’re singing is pretty sad,” he said, “I know the crying is some sort of traumatic response, but maybe singing something happier will trick your brain into ignoring the trauma?” Donghun considered it. He had a song in mind that he could use, so it was at least worth a shot.

“I’ll try it,” he conceded, “don’t ask for an extension just yet. I wanna get this over with even if I have to sob my way through it.” Junhee nodded in understanding.

“Friday for lunch then?” Donghun nodded and even offered him a small smile.

“I’ll charge my phone when I get home,” he promised. Junhee smiled and left to go to class.

“Okay, so it isn’t good,” Donghun said on Friday when he passed Junhee the flash drive his performance was recorded on (he had deliberately chosen a red one so there was no chance of accidentally turning in the wrong one).

“But you did it,” Junhee said excitedly as he plugged it into his laptop and opened the file, “that’s the accomplishment here.” He popped his headphones in and left Donghun to pick at his nails tiredly while he pressed play.

> _This is Lee Donghun. Final recording project, take...37? I don’t know. It’s Friday, five in the morning. I have a headache, which hopefully means I’m so dehydrated I can’t cry anymore. Um, In My Blood by Shawn Mendes._

Once the song was over, Junhee took his headphones out slowly, ejected the flash drive, and handed it back with careful movements.

“I hope you have another copy of that,” he said quietly, “that was so raw, Donghun hyung. I hope this means things are finally looking up for you.” Donghun zipped the flash drive back into his pocket and wrapped his sweatshirt covered hands around his coffee cup.

“So I guess that’s it then,” he said, “project’s over.”

“Yeah,” Junhee said, “Professor Jang said we could drop the drives off early at her office hours.” Donghun nodded and stood up. He stayed next to the table and it took Junhee a moment to realize that the elder was waiting for him. They walked across campus slowly, as if they were trying to extend their time.

“This is stupid,” Junhee said when the performance arts building finally came into view, “we’re acting like this is the last time we’re ever going to see each other. It’s not like we can’t just meet up every now and then, right?” Donghun hummed in agreement. They were silent as they rode the elevator up to their professor’s office, and stayed silent until they were outside again.

“I’m gonna have an end of the year party tonight,” Junhee said, “it’s gonna be small, not too much booze either, but you’re more than welcome to come if you want.” Donghun smiled.

“Yeah, I’ll do my best,” he said, “and thank you, really. I don’t think I would’ve ever finished this project if not for your help.” Junhee flushed lightly and waved him off.

“Wanna get a real lunch off campus?” he offered and Donghun readily agreed.

That night found Donghun tucked into a armchair in Junhee’s living room and nursing a beer as people slowly filtered in. He had shown up a little early to help the younger man set up and as such was already there when most of the guests arrived. Junhee wasn’t lying when he said the party would be small. Donghun recognized a few people from the vocal performance program, but most were underclassmen who weren’t in a program yet. Kim Moonkyu, Kang Yuchan, and Ji Hansol were all crammed onto the couch while Junhee and Kim Yoon took up the loveseat and Im Junhyeok sat on the floor. They were all discussing a final for a class that they shared, so Donghun hung outside of the conversation. Junhee kept looking up and smiling at him though, which let him know that he wasn’t being forgotten.

It occurred to him later that night that he really trusted Junhee. The younger man hadn’t judged him for his hesitation to sing again, nor had he demanded that Donghun tell him why. He had picked him up from the bar that time, no questions asked, and had never stopped Donghun when he needed time alone. In fact, the only time he’d gotten angry at Donghun in the two weeks they’d known each other was when he was worried and scared. It had only been two weeks, but Donghun felt like he had known Junhee forever.

Over the next few weeks, Donghun kept practicing. He started slowly becoming a singer again. He and Junhee met up at least once a week for lunch and he would always have a new recording to give the younger. They slowly opened up to each other and Junhee started bringing a recording of his own in return. They didn’t talk about the trauma and Donghun began to wonder why Junhee never asked. The boy was a saint, but he wasn’t perfect. He had to be at least a little bit nosy.

It was then that he realized that he was ready to talk about it. He texted Junhee, asking if they could do dinner at his apartment instead of lunch downtown and the younger readily agreed. Donghun spent the afternoon figuring out what to cook and eventually settled on a simple homemade ramen. It wasn’t much but it was good and he was kind of in a pinch.

“So why the sudden dinner?” Junhee asked once they had finished cleaning up the kitchen (he insisted on helping). Donghun took a deep breath.

“I’m ready to talk about it,” he said, “about what happened at the beginning of the semester.”

“Oh,” Junhee said, “okay. Where’s the safest place to do that?” Donghun thought for a moment before getting up and leading Junhee into his living room.

“It’s a neutral zone,” he offered quietly. Junhee sat on the couch and pulled a pillow into his lap, leaving Donghun to sit in the armchair. It took a few moments for the elder to decide how he wanted to begin.

“So I don’t know if you know but I was a part of the audition-only performance group at the beginning of the semester. The other guys in the group had been in it longer than I had - this was the only semester I was able to even audition - and I had taken a spot that one of their friends had previously had. We didn’t get along super well but I figured it would smooth out as we got further into the semester.” He had to pause and steel himself before he could continue.

“There was a night, about three weeks into the semester,” he started.

_Donghun’s voice wavered as the song faded out. Frustrated, he moved over to the speaker to restart it. He simply couldn’t get it to sound how he wanted it to and it was driving him wild._

_“Donghun hyung!” The senior jumped at the sudden noise and turned around to find a few of the juniors in the group at the door. Song Hangyeom, Lee Byounggon, Lee Rubin, and Kim Hyojin. They were a close knit group and Donghun was almost a little jealous of their friendship._

_“We were just leaving and noticed that someone was still in here,” Hangyeom said as the group came over to him, “here, you look like you need some water.” Donghun took the offered bottle and cracked it open, downing half of it at once._

_“Thanks,” he said once his throat was less dry, “what were you guys here working on?” Hyojin smiled and launched into a lively explanation about the new dance they were working on. Donghun rubbed his forehead as he tried to listen, but he was finding it hard to focus. It felt like everything was slowing down around him._

_“Whoa,” he said as he found himself listing to the side. Byounggon caught him before he fell to the ground._

_“I-I don’t feel too good, guys,” Donghun mumbled. He heard Hangyeom mutter something to Rubin, but he didn’t hear what it was. The junior made his way to the door, but came back just seconds later. Confused, Donghun tried to pull away from Byounggon, but found that the grip on his arm was too tight._

_“W-What’s g-going on?” he slurred, barely able to keep his legs from buckling. Forcing his eyes to stay open, he looked at Hangyeom desperately. Why were the juniors acting so weird?_

_Hangyeom approached Donghun and raised a hand to grip his face tightly. Donghun could practically feel his own eyes dilate in fear. What was going on? Why was it so hard to think and talk and move?_

_Donghun gasped when his head suddenly snapped to the side. Hangyeom had...slapped him? The junior pulled his head back up and hit him again. Donghun tried to protest, tried to ask what was going on, but found it too difficult to move his tongue. Byounggon released his hold on Donghun’s arm and the senior stumbled only to be caught by Hangyeom, who held his shoulder and punched him in the stomach. Donghun doubled over, coughing as he tried to stay on his feet. Unfortunately, he was too top heavy and ended up on the ground with a heavy thud. Almost immediately, there was a kick to his stomach, and to his back, and even to his face. Barely coherent, he managed to get his arms up to cover his face, but they were kicked away. Finally, after what felt like ages, the kicking stopped and he found himself being hauled to his feet once again._

_“Lay him over the table,” he heard Hangyeom say and soon found himself halfway on top of a card table that had previously been housing the speakers._

_“Guys, I think this is going too far,” Hyojin said uncertainly. Wait, when did Donghun lose his shirt? Why was it tied around his hands behind his back like some sort of bastardized handcuff?_

_“Do you want Mingming in the group or not, Hyojin?” Rubin asked harshly, but his voice was distant. Donghun was starting to realize what was about to happen, especially when he felt his jeans get tugged harshly halfway down his thighs. He tried to thrash and squirm away, but his movements were too sluggish. When Hangyeom’s bruising grip returned to his face, Donghun sobbed. This was happening and there was nothing he could do to stop it._

_“Oh, is the great Lee Donghun a crybaby now?” Hangyeom taunted cruelly. His grip on Donghun’s face disappeared as he walked out of his line of sight. The senior was stuck staring at himself, at this assault, in the mirror. With another sob, he squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head to the side._

_Donghun cried out in pain when something began to enter him from behind. He writhed sluggishly, trying to get away from whatever it was, but that only led to two heavy hands clamping down on his waist. They drove into him quickly, clearly aiming to cause him as much pain as possible. At some point, he stopped trying to fight them off and simply took it, not even noticing when one switched places with the other until his head was tugged up from where it laid against the table._

_“Donghunnie hyung wants to sing for us so bad, guys,” he heard Hangyeom say, “I think we should let him.” He pulled Donghun up by his hair, lifting the top half of his torso off the table._

_“Fucking sing, you little bitch,” Hangyeom snarled. When Donghun didn’t comply, the junior hit him across the face again. Hiccuping, Donghun tried to warble out a few words and it was then that he realized that the song he had been practicing was still playing out of the speakers. Before he could get more than a few notes again, something was shoved down his throat, making him choke on his own vomit._

_“Again,” Hangyeom said when he pulled out a few seconds later. Donghun coughed and sobbed, doing his best to not throw up, and warbled out a few more notes. Hangyeom continued choking him and forcing him to sing until Donghun finally did throw up over the side of the table. Seconds later, he felt something warm and sticky land on his cheeks and the bridge of his nose._

_“Zoom in on his face, Hyojin,” Hangyeom ordered and it was then that Donghun realized that the smallest junior was hovering in the background with a video camera. Hyojin’s hands shook as he moved closer to the defiled senior. Hangyeom gave him a few seconds before he shoved him out of the way and pulled Donghun up by his hair again._

_“Unless you want everyone to see that file, you’re going to quit the performance program,” he hissed in Donghun’s ear, “and we’ll be kind enough to give you a repeat performance until you do.” With that, he threw the elder down, effectively shoving him off the table._

_“The Valium should wear off before classes start,” Hangyeom called over his shoulder as the four of them left, flicking the lights off and locking the door behind him. The song was still playing and Donghun sobbed._

Donghun felt the tears gathering in his eyes and wiped them away furiously. He had cried enough.

“So I did it,” he continued, “I left the group a-and Mingming got his spot and I just...I cried a lot. Missed a couple weeks of classes, started drinking a lot and sleeping around. It’s funny; I’m so against touch when I’m sober now, but I’m such a slutty drunk,” he took a deep breath, “I was so scared every time I saw them and I-I couldn’t get it out of my head. And I lost everyone.” A sob welled up in his throat as he thought of his last conversation with his best friend.

 _“_ _Donghun, this has got to stop! You’re gonna kill yourself!” Donghun knew that Sehyoon was frustrated with his newfound habits but he found it so hard to explain himself._

_“What if I want to?” he cried, “huh?”_

_“But why?” Sehyoon asked in response, shaking Donghun’s shoulder. The elder flinched and pulled away, “do you even trust me anymore? How am I supposed to help you when you won’t even tell me what’s wrong?”_

_“I did tell you!” Donghun insisted, “weeks ago!”_

_“What, your fight with Hangyeom and the others? It’s a fight! Get over it!”_

_“We didn’t fight, Sehyoon, they fucking a-assaulted me!” Just the thought of detailing what had happened to him had bile rising in Donghun’s throat and he found himself rushing to the toilet for the third time that night._

_“God, we can’t even have one conversation without you being so drunk you’re throwing up,” the younger muttered. Donghun was heaving too hard to try and correct him._

_“Forget it,” the dancer said, “I’m done. You had your chance, but I can’t sit by and watch you destroy yourself for such petty reasons.” Sehyoon walked out of the apartment and hadn’t spoken to Donghun again._

“Hyung, I’m so sorry,” Junhee whispered and Donghun realized that he was crying. He felt lighter, having finally spilled the entire story, and accepted it when Junhee got up to hug him. They stayed like that until Donghun finally had his breathing under control.

“I have the video,” he mumbled into Junhee’s sleeve, “I don’t know what to do with it.” Carefully unraveling the younger man’s arms from his neck, he led him down the hall to his bedroom and handed him the black flash drive.

“There’s no point in turning it in to the police now, but I can’t bring myself to destroy it,” he said quietly, “destroying it feels like forgiving them.”

“Well then,” Junhee said, taking the flash drive and gesturing for Donghun to follow him back down the hall, “what if it so happened,” he entered the kitchen and set the drive on the counter, “that some damage came to it,” he rifled through the drawers until his found what he was looking for, “beyond your control?” Turning to the drive, Junhee lifted the meat tenderizer and brought it down hard on the flash drive, cracking the case. He did it again and pieces went flying everywhere.

“I know it doesn’t erase what they did to you, not really,” Junhee said as he turned back to Donghun, “but it’s a start at moving on, right?” Donghun nodded and allowed Junhee to envelope him in another hug.

A few weeks later found Donghun and Junhee back in the campus cafe, waiting for someone. When the newly minted senior arrived, looking terrified at the sight of the two graduates, Donghun was even able to crack a smile. Hyojin sat down across from the two, eyeing them warily, and Donghun slid a blue flash drive across the table.

“I know you still have the video,” he said, “I want you to put it on there and then I want to watch you delete it from your hard drive completely.” Hyojin nodded quickly and turned his laptop so Donghun could see what he was doing. After deliberately muting his computer, he opened the file briefly so Donghun knew that he was receiving the right file, then closed it and transferred it onto the flash drive. Once it was completely copied, he deleted the file from his computer and again from the trash bin. He handed the flash drive back to Donghun, bowed quickly, and rushed out of the cafe.

“What are you gonna do with it?” Junhee asked, eyeing the drive suspiciously.

“Destroy it for good,” Donghun said as he zipped it into his jacket pocket. With that, he stood and led Junhee out of the cafe. They’d become closer over the last few weeks, especially as Junhee had embarked on a mission to help Donghun become comfortable with touching people again. It had led a few people to think that they were dating, but it would be a while before Donghun could be comfortable with that. After losing Sehyoon, it was hard for him to let himself become quite that close with someone.

“You know, I really think you should talk to Sehyoon,” Junhee said when they were cuddling on the couch one night, “I know him leaving hurt you, but I think he’s probably in just as much pain.” While Donghun was hesitant, he knew Junhee was right, so later that night he dialed the one number that he knew by heart.

“Hello? Donghun?” Sehyoon asked cautiously when he picked up. Donghun bit his lip nervously.

“Sehyoon,” he said, “can I - I think - we need to talk.”

“Yeah,” the younger man agreed after a moment’s silence, “do you want to meet in the fourth floor dance studio tomorrow afternoon? I’m helping teach a class in there.” Donghun knew exactly what room he was talking about.

“That’s fine,” he forced out, even though the idea of being back in the room had him shaking.

“Okay,” Sehyoon said, “I’m gonna hang up now.” Donghun nodded, even though the younger couldn’t see him, and waited for the click and dial tone before putting his phone down. A few moments later, his phone chimed with a text from an unsaved number with a time. Donghun saved Sehyoon’s number and went to bed.

The next afternoon found Donghun standing awkwardly outside of the fourth floor studio, waiting for Sehyoon’s class to let out. After what seemed like ages, the door swung open and a group of sweaty dance students poured out. Donghun waited for the entire group to leave before cautiously entering the room.  
Sehyoon was over by the speakers, tossing his stuff in a gym bag. Donghun bit the inside of his cheek as he waited for his old friend to finish up.

“Oh, you’re here already,” the dancer said when he straightened up and saw Donghun by the door, “it’s been a while.”

“It has,” Donghun said, not moving from his place just a few feet into the studio. His eyes flitted around the studio nervously, as if he couldn’t wait to get away.

“What did you want to talk about?” Sehyoon asked, voice guarded.

“I wanted to explain,” Donghun said, “what...what was going on with me this semester.”

“You said that you fought with Hangyeom and his friends, quit the performance program, then became an alcoholic. What was so devastating that you could’ve fought about?” Sehyoon asked, crossing his arms.

“We didn’t fight,” Donghun said softly, “at least, not how you’re thinking.”

“So you lied to me too? God, and just when I thought we might be able to fix things,” the younger scoffed as he slung his bag over his shoulder. He walked past Donghun, heading for the door without another glance.

“They raped me,” Donghun whispered just as the younger was about to leave.

“What was that?” Sehyoon asked, stopping in his tracks. Donghun turned to face him, eyes already shiny with unshed tears.

“I s-said...they raped me,” he said a little louder, “in here, on the table you use for the speakers.” Once he started talking, it was like a dam had broken. The entire story came spilling out in one fell swoop. By the time Donghun was done, Sehyoon was staring at the ceiling in an effort not to cry. They stood a few feet apart, Donghun with his hands balled into fists inside his sleeves and Sehyoon resolutely staring upward.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, voice breaking as he finally looked at Donghun. Tears leaked from his eyes and trailed down his cheeks.

“I-I should’ve listened to you,” he said, taking a step toward the elder, “I-I knew you were going through something, but I left you because I was selfish and scared, and I will always regret that.” Donghun looked at the floor, lip trembling. Tentatively, he held his arms out, and that was all it took to have Sehyoon hugging him tightly. Donghun hugged him back, though not nearly as tightly, and let the tears flow freely as Sehyoon whispered apology after apology. For once, they were tears of relief. Sehyoon didn’t hate him.

“It was traumatic for you too,” the elder said, “even though you didn’t know what was going on, or probably because you didn’t, you still saw me falling apart and there was nothing you could do. I’m better now though.” He told the younger about his friendship with Junhee and how the younger vocalist had convinced him to start going to therapy.

Sehyoon eventually went to the bathroom to clean himself up and Donghun texted Junhee, asking him to come over with food for three when he got out of work. The younger happily agreed. When Sehyoon returned, Donghun hesitantly asked if he would want to get dinner and meet Junhee. The dancer agreed immediately and even offered to drive.

“He’s good for you,” Sehyoon said later that night as he was preparing to leave, “I’m glad you managed to find someone that matches you so well.” Sehyoon took his leave after that and Donghun returned to the kitchen, where Junhee was waiting with his trusty meat tenderizer for the flash drive that they still had yet to destroy. The elder still couldn’t bring himself to do the honors, so he got to watch as Junhee went to town on the poor little device. When he was done, they both cleaned up the the tiny fragments.

“C’mon, it’s bedtime,” Junhee said as he watched Donghun suppress a yawn. With a soft smile, he guided the elder to his bedroom. He helped Donghun get changed, as the elder was too tired to even keep his eyes open, and made sure he didn’t trip getting into bed. He was about to turn off the light and head out to his own makeshift bed on the couch when Donghun spoke up from behind him.

“You could stay,” the elder mumbled. Junhee turned to look at him.

“Are you sure?” he asked. Donghun flipped the covers back in response, leaving a spot for Junhee to lay down. The younger changed into his own pajamas and laid down in the spot behind Donghun. He pressed closer and wrapped his arms around the elder’s middle. Donghun smiled as he slowly drifted off. Finally, he felt safe.


End file.
